Puppies and Babies

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January 23, 2015 by Sarah Christine Bolton

I love how, once you become a parent, everyone assumes that you have completely lost your mind.

“Oh, wow, are you sure you really want to travel to Germany when you are seven months pregnant?!”

“Home birth, huh? Interesting… what if your uterus rips out of your body while giving birth on your toilet, and you just die right there in your half-completed bathroom?”

“Not vaccinating your kids? That is basically child abuse.”

“You are taking two kids under the age of 4 on an airplane… by yourself?! Have you already purchased the appropriate drugs for both you and your children?!”

And the latest and greatest:

“When I heard that you got a puppy, I thought, what is wrong with her?”

Ok, well, yes, I guess I can see how someone might think I had completely lost my mind when I decided to adopt a very active 8-month-old puppy in the midst of potty-training my almost 2-year-old.

But in actuality, my rationale made complete sense.

Right now, everyone is peeing and pooping on the floor. And please, if you are one of those moms who swears by the “three days to potty train your kid” crap, I have two words for you: butt plug. Yep. I said it. You are using one on your kid. The way I see it, I’m going to be cleaning up pee anyways… why not minimize my trouble and get it all out of the way at the same time? Plus, my goal is to have both of my children 100% potty trained BEFORE I start needing diapers. And at the current rate at which I am aging, that window of opportunity is starting to close in on me.

My house is constantly destroyed. I’m talking paint/pens on the walls, those little tiny puzzle pieces mixed up and thrown everywhere, torn up toys, ripped open cushions, small craters from explosives. While we still have crappy furniture, and chipped dishes, and plywood/linoleum/whatever the fuck on our floors, why not just let them all (dogs and children) go to town? And by go to town, I don’t mean go run errands by themselves, although, now that I mentioned it… hm…

And the noise. Sometimes I fantasize about moving out of my house and taking up residence on an airport tarmac, just so I can enjoy the peace and quiet. The dogs bark so the kids cry which makes the dogs bark so the kids scream which makes me scream which makes the neighbors and/or mailman call DHS.

“Hi, yes, I would like to report a pit bull/toddler fight club in the Binghampton neighborhood…”

And last, but not least, is the excellent survivalist skills I am offering both child and canine alike. There have been some hardcore fights over apple slices and peanut butter sandwiches. And all I have to say is that the puppy is gaining weight faster than the kids, so  I think they need to up their game.

So, there you have it. My perfectly rational justification for introducing a puppy into our insane lives.

P.S. Plus, you know, blah blah, bonding with the kids, blah blah, she was adorable and I fell in love instantly, blah blah.


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